If a Seagull Flies Over the Sea, What Flies Over The Bay?

Everything bagels bug me. That's right...you heard me. Probably wondering why I'm picking on a defenseless doughy circle of goodness loaded with an assortment of seeds? I love those little carb nightmares, but they break my heart. They try so hard to satisfy everyone, but for some it's too much. I think it's too little when bakers decide to coat only one side with the edible gravel. Why only one side? Are people too lazy to flip the gosh darn thing to coat it? It's right there on the freaking pan! A simple twisting motion with a spatula should do the trick. If you don't, then guess what? I get a half an everything bagel and half a plain bagel that smells like an everything bagel.

Now let's examine the contents of "everything"...poppy seeds, rye seeds, sesame seeds, onion, garlic, salt....and that's it. That doesn't quite sound or look like everything. What about blueberries, chocolate chips and nuts? Not good enough for you Mister Bagel? Being a wee bit selective? Why is that? Dunno? Isn't the definition of everything...I dunno...EVERYTHING!!! I want everything. If I wanted some things I would have ordered a "most of everything" bagel or a "not quite everything" bagel.

Why are the seeds designed to get caught in your teeth? My mouth becomes a human collander that captures every little granule. Maybe you should make the seeds larger or give away floss when you purchase a baker's dozen? And since when did bakers get their own secret number of bagels? Thirteen? What the heck is that? Why one more? I think that's the extra bagel that they get to eat when they're walking across the parking lot to their cars in order to drive their weird number of bagels to their loved ones. God forbid you eat the everything bagel in the car while driving. Everything seed, onion flake and sticky garlic morsel will land in your lap and stink up the car. Finally, have you ever attempted to buy a couple of everything bagels alongside the rest of your so called dozen? These pompous donut imitators get their own special bag. Not got enough to mix with the rest, huh? Your friend Billy can't hack a garlic tasting banana nut bagel? Suck it up and quit your whining. Go buy a croissant kid, you're bugging me...